Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
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He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
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Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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