just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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