My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
