i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
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We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
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Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid