billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship