I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
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Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
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Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?