your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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