I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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