best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
