I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
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he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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