Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
