He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
