he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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