dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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