Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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