He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
