He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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