I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
