yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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