If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
