I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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