your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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