thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
