Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
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Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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