the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
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Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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