I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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