That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
