Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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