Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
