Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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