Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
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did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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