I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
