so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
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Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
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