Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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