Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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