My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
