Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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