Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
