I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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