I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
