my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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