You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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