Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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