I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling