Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor