If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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