i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
