my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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