im gay
i know
yea but for you.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
