You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
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I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
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I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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