life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
