my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
