I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
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another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
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My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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